Recap of the past week...

This was written last Saturday after my first appointment, but I'm just now getting around to posting...

In other bad news though, I think I'm miscarrying (sp?) again. I went to the dr. on Thursday and had my first ultrasound. According to lmp I was 5 weeks 6 days. I knew it was probably too early to see the hb, but they didn't see anything. Only something that "might" be a gestational sac. No yolk sac, no fetal pole. The dr. thinks it *could* be too early, but I just have a bad feeling. I've been searching the interwebs like a mad women and of course I've gotten nowhere. Some people go on to have babies, others miscarry. I took a blood test Thursday for my hcg levels and will repeat on Monday. I should know by Tuesday what's going on and then another ultrasound on Thursday if needed. Thursday (the 18th) is the anniversary of my d&c last year. I'm really upset over this. Why does this keep happening. I'm not completely giving up hope, but I'm definitely preparing myself for the worst. Before the ultrasound the dr. asked me about my symptoms. She asked about morning sickness (which I got horribly with both Grace and Jack) and i told her I didn't have any m/s. She said and I quote "that could be a sign of a miscarriage". I felt doomed and I guess with good reason.

***On Saturday morning I ran a 5k. It was in downtown Tampa and we ran along the water near bayshore. I was so emotionally drained and barely had anything in me, but when the race started I felt at peace. The sun was shining on the water and I was listening to U2's "where the streets have no name". As I crossed the finish line my eyes filled with tears and I had to tell myself to suck it up so I didn't look like a jackass. I came in at 26:29. 4 seconds longer than my best time. I ran that race for the baby I was hoping was growing inside.*******


So then on Monday I found out my hgc level from the previous Thursday was 1895. This gave me some hope because I've read that you don't develop a fetal pole until your levels reach around 2,ooo. Anyway, I had a second test done on Monday and this was written after the phone call from the dr.

I got my numbers back and look ok. Last Thursday they were 1895 and then Monday they were 3,850. The dr. said that was a good sign and that my numbers were up by 56% and she was happy with that. It didn't sound like that great of an increase to me. I looked it up and normally the numbers should double every 48-72 hours and mine doubled after 90. We go for another ultrasound tomorrow at 11:10 to see if the baby is growing. I still haven't had any spotting and I'm always hungry and have been pretty bitchy too, so I guess that's a good sign, lol. I think either way I'm going to be ok with it. I was shocked/upset last week, but I'm sort of numb now and prepared to deal with it either way. I keep trying to tell myself all the reasons it would be good if I wasn't pregnant, so that way if it doesn't work out I won't be crushed. On the flipside, I know if I see a heartbeat and baby I will be WAY excited. It's the weirdest feeling to be pregnant and not be able to be happy and joyful. I can't wait to either be so happy or to just move on. I need answers, kwim??

Well today we went for our ultrasound. The moment of truth, if you will. I was SO extremely nervous. We ended having to wait for an hour in the waiting room. I could not sit still. Finally they called us back and as we entered the room I told the tech how I was here to basically confirm that I was having a miscarriage. She had me get changed and then it was time. As soon as the ultrasound started I immediately said "see there's no heartbeat" to which she replied, "actually if you look right there..." OMG...There it was our baby's heart beating away. I was so surprised, relieved, happy, excited, etc. My knees actually started shaking and I was such a mess. She turned the volume up and let us listen for a minute.

Music to a mothers ears!!

The coolest thing is my due date is August 12th. My little brother's birthday!!!!

And to top things off Chip won 7,000 dollars today in a competition at work. What a blessing! Life is good!!